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About Varied / Hobbyist Member JohnMale/United States Groups :icontdbandtdc: TDBandTDC
 
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If you like my work, then please leave a comment before, or immediately after, you favorite. I put a lot of care into it, and I would like to know what you think about it. And please, no trolls.

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I just got a rather nice review on writing.com for Age of XANA 2

"There's no denying that you have something interesting here. We've got some compelling concepts, which is a good sign. However, there are some things that I'd like to touch on. 

First of all, it feels like we're progressing through the story extremely quickly. At several points I had to go back a few sentences and reread so I could figure out what was happening. Even then, I had problems at times. We move to three different locations within a few paragraphs, and it's a bit difficult to follow. It does feel like this is an introduction of sorts, though. If that's the case, my advice is to stretch it out just a bit more. Don't add unimportant details, but rather something that will add to the story while simultaneously giving the reader a bit more time to comprehend what is happening. 

If it's not an introduction, I'd recommend trying to split the locations into separate chapters. The transition from the first and second sentences is also sort of odd to me, though I can't quite put my finger on why. Maybe the setting changes too quickly.

I think the way you do character descriptions is good- spreading them out amongst other things. However, you used the word 'black' three times in the second section, and all very close together. I understand it's sometimes difficult to describe colors in any other way, I tend to struggle with the same thing myself. However, consider other variations of color, and ask yourself if all of the color descriptions are actually necessary. You're the only one that can decide that, though. 

There's one last thing, that's sort of small scale in comparison to the other points I made. At the point where you wrote "...screamed in pain. "HELP ME!"", you only need one of those things. The word 'screamed', but without an exclamation point or capitals. An exclamation point, but without capitals or the word 'screamed'. Or capitals, but without the word 'screamed' or an exclamation point. I wouldn't recommend the capitals.

Overall, I liked the piece, and I'd definitely continue reading, despite the fact that it felt a bit rushed. It definitely has promise."

It was formal, polite, and mentioned everything wrong with the introduction!

What I WANT to know is why nobody HERE was willing to tell me about these glaring errors!
  • Mood: Content
  • Listening to: Ava's Demon (The Demon - Remastered
  • Reading: Ender's Game
  • Watching: Bible's Greatest Mysteries
  • Playing: Skyrim
  • Eating: Spaghetti
  • Drinking: Cola

deviantID

MasterMitosi
John
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
What Legendary Pokemon Are You?
What Legendary Pokemon Are You?
Hosted By theOtaku.com: Anime

Dave Strider
Dave Strider
Take What Homestuck character are you? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p>
It's obvious that Dave is really fucking cool. He jeers at John's inability to set up his Sylladex's Fetch Modus when John asks him for help and berates John's interests constantly. Dave is much more skilled than the other three characters, who either through their own cluelessness, admission, or silliness are less capable than he is. Through the conversations of Pesterchum and his own introduction, Dave already has his Strife Specibus set and he has one of the most advanced Sylladices available, giving him a huge advantage over the other three characters. Jade may be able to maximize the use of her Sylladex due to her precognitive abilities, but under normal circumstances it'd be close to entirely useless.


His incredible coolness also enables him to stay level-headed when dealing with supernatural things, (like Sburb) incredible things (like Meteors or Time Travel), or generally disconcerting things (like seeing his own corpse or talking about his dead friends).


Despite being the coolest thing since the Fluffer Nutter, Dave seems to be easily influenced by John. He has never removed John's gift, citing irony as the reason, and John's talk of the monster Howie Mandel stopped him from enjoying his Apple Juice. Also, it is important to note that Dave never feared his brother's puppets until John pointed out how unnerving they were. It might be that Dave is just an easily influenced person based on his inner desire to be super cool, but he has no problem keeping his distance with Rose.


Dave is a bit forgetful. He always loses his place in the latest MS Paint Adventure, sets several Sylladex traps, only to release them on himself moments later, completely forgets to pour out some Apple Juice for his homie, forgets all about his Timetables and thus, forgets he can go back in time, and even manages to forget his own intentions to forget something. (though that one might be him being ironic again)


Dave keeps a calm facade up to the exact moment he flies off the handle. This has happened when something makes him look stupid, like being buried under a mountain of puppet dick or having crows invade his personal space.


Underneath his cool facade he appears to be rather caring towards animals; he was visibly upset when he accidentally harmed a Rambunctious Crow and he may share Jade's interest in anthropomorphically persuaded fauna. However, this might just be one of his many ironic gestures. Regardless, his gift to Jade - a picture of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff as furries - seems pretty sincere.



On wikia, I am known as Per Ankh. On Fanfiction, as Novanto. On my imaginary world of Balencia, I am the world leader known as: the Master Mitosi. I have power over fire (mastermitosi.deviantart.com/ar…, light, air (mastermitosi.deviantart.com/ar…, ice, water (mastermitosi.deviantart.com/ar…, shadows (like the one attached to your feet), earth (like dirt and rocks) (mastermitosi.deviantart.com/ar…, and heat.
My Fanfic account can be found here: www.fanfiction.net/~novanto
My wikia Account is here: totaldramacomeback.wikia.com/w…
The one thing you do NOT want to do is insult my family, even as a joke. Why? Because you may be seriously injured.

Personal Quote: I have a Zekrom and a Rayquaza, and I'm not afraid use them!
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:icon24681012141819202224:
24681012141819202224 Featured By Owner 7 hours ago  Hobbyist
thanks for the fav owo
Reply
:iconvalems25:
ValeMS25 Featured By Owner 8 hours ago  Hobbyist
Thanks for the fave!!
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:iconnowinzee:
NowinZee Featured By Owner 11 hours ago  Student General Artist
Thank you so much for the fave and watch! ;w;
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:iconseiryu6:
Seiryu6 Featured By Owner 4 days ago   Digital Artist
Thank you for the :+fav:
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:iconmastermitosi:
MasterMitosi Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :)
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:iconpockpicket:
pockpicket Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Thank you so much for the watch!
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:iconmastermitosi:
MasterMitosi Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :)
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:icondragoninkmarkers:
DragonInkMarkers Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch!
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:iconmastermitosi:
MasterMitosi Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :)
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:icongot87hic:
GOT87HIC Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2014
hi
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